40. Breakup with Codependency with Terri Cole

Terri Cole joins us on The Coachable Podcast today! Terri is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the host of the The Terri Cole Show. We dive into the topic of codependency to talk about everything from how to unlearn our codependent habits and how it shows up in our relationships to what we’re losing out on as a result of having these types of codependent patterns in our lives. This is one you don’t want to miss! What are Boundaries? [4:15] “Boundaries are your own personal rules of engagement. We’re letting people know what’s okay with us and what’s not.” “Your boundaries are composed of your preferences, desires, limits, and deal-breakers.” “Women are raised and praised for being self abandoning codependents.” “We should be asking ‘What about us?’ to ourselves.” “When we say yes when we want to say no, the people in your life do not know you.” “How can people love us, if we don’t let anyone know us?” Saying No [15:00] “For the next 7 days, don’t give anyone an immediate answer.” “Instead of saying, ‘Oh, yeah, sure’, you’re going to normalize having a 24 hour thinking period.” “It’s easier to give an authentic ‘No’ when you haven’t given a reactionary ‘Yes’.” Codependency [19:30] “Being overly invested in the feelings, states, decisions, outcomes, circumstances of the people in your life to the detriment of your internal peace- your physical, financial, emotional wellbeing.” “What makes you think you know what lessons others need to learn in this lifetime?” “When we’re being codependent, we’re centering ourselves in the middle of another person’s problem. It’s not about them-it’s about us.” “High functioning codependency-you make it look easy, but you’re still doing things for others that they can do themselves and putting yourself last on your list.” Our Intentions [28:00] “Allow yourself to feel relief that other’s beliefs, circumstances, and emotions are not and cannot be your responsibility.” “Stop auto-advice giving. If someone comes with a problem, ask expansive questions.” “Assume that the people you love are capable. Ask for consent when speaking to their problems.” “We are not valuable because of what we do, or the value we add to the life of others. We are inherently valuable because we are alive.” “Healthy boundaries are a language. We have to learn them.” Redefine and reclaim where your worth comes from [36:00] “Do you do what you need for yourself in your relationships?” “In your partnership, you can write down what each person does on a whiteboard and decide how it can be more equitable.” “When we give from a place of emptiness, even when people are grateful nobody will be able to be grateful enough.” “Fine really means feelings internally not expressed.” Express yourself [45:00] “You can always be kind when it comes to boundaries and the truth.” “The Connect with us on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/thecoachablepodcast/ Connect with Tori on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/coachtorigordon/ Guess what?! WE'RE ON YOUTUBE! https://www.youtube.com/c/ToriGordon If you love the show and want to show your support, please leave us a 5 star rating and review of the podcast on Apple Podcasts and Spotify! Go be coachabl Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices