Journey of Attachment: Never Beg to be Loved

This podcast title came from a meme that really resonated with me, “Never beg to be loved.” While it may not sound like something you would do, I see it quite often in insecurely attached relationships (it never happens in healthy relationships). Begging to be loved results from feeling misunderstood or not properly seen, and being so invested in the relationship that you need your partner to be in the same place you are. Your world revolves around him/her, and you’re terrified of not finding that again with someone else. The feeling is desperate and painful; like you might die if your partner leaves. And on top of your fear of loss is a big ol’ layer of shame. If anyone knew how you were acting in order to keep your partner, you would die all over again. This also happens a lot with break-ups. Your partner says it’s over, which sends you into a tail spin. You beg him/her to stay because when you look at the future, all you see is pain. The only thing you believe will ease that pain is to convince your partner it’s a mistake, and you’ll do whatever it takes to demonstrate how awesome and amazing you are. If you’ve ever been on the other side of this, you know it doesn’t matter what your partner says or does. When you’re done, you’re done. When you beg to be loved, it comes from an attached place of being chosen rather than choosing—a powerless position. Let me tell you something: there is NOTHING so flawed about you that you need to beg someone to love you. Nothing. Zilch. Believing that on an emotional level, however, can be challenging because your negative beliefs show up telling you you’re not good enough, not worthy of love, etc. So instead of fighting it, ride that emotional wave and accept where you are. Accept the shame and really FEEL it. Then, look deeper at what you’re afraid of losing. What do you think you can only get from this one person? Whatever that is, give it to yourself. When you’re filled up emotionally, you will never have to beg to be loved; that love will already exist inside.