Journey of Attachment: Moving From Angry Victim to Your Own Hero

When in an attached relationship, do you feel like you’re owed something? Maybe you rescue or fix, but don’t get back what you feel you’re entitled to… so you get pissed off. You may not even know where that anger comes from until you start digging a little deeper. Then perhaps you discover it came from childhood when you felt helpless for everything you couldn’t control. You looked to your parents, the authority figures in your life, as having all the answers, and of course they set the rules. Perhaps they never saw you as you really were, and you did what you could to gain approval. You may have worked hard to get it and underneath it been hurt and angry that you were not feeling love just for being you. Now your anger is directed at your partner for what validation they don’t give you. Once you realize this anger actually makes you a victim, because you are hanging in the balance waiting for something from someone else, you can instead take responsibility for your choices and become your own rescuer. Look at everything you complain about; do you think everyone else is selfish? If so, you need to turn the mirror on yourself. What are your expectations that keep you in this place? That anger runs deep and it causes a lot of discontent, especially in relationships. It can surface in the present when really it is built up from the past. If you always felt like the “lesser” sibling as a kid, then as an adult if that same sibling does something to upset you, you may fly off the handle because of how you’ve always felt. Or maybe you become a martyr, trying to win back some of that affection you didn’t get as a kid, which just leads to resentment. Either way, it’s old anger. Blame and anger go together so the longer you hold onto it, the worse you’re going to feel. Even if you think they “deserve” it, you’re still the one who suffers. Letting go of the anger means taking responsibility for your choices. If you feel owed, what actions did you take to put yourself in that position? If you were giving without an expectation of something in return, you wouldn’t be keeping score. Speak your truth about your choices and the actions that resulted: assuming, people pleasing, rescuing, etc. Self-responsibility is the path to releasing your anger and having more content, connected relationships.