Journey of Attachment: Dating Someone Who’s in Another Relationship

This is a pretty taboo topic: dating someone who is in another relationship. I hear from a lot of people in this kind of attached relationship entanglement (and yes, it’s always rooted in insecure attachment). There’s often a fight between wanting to put an expiration date on the relationship, and riding off into the sunset together. Unfortunately neither is a reality when you’re in this place. If you say goodbye, you have an anxiety attack; if you stay, you feel trapped. It’s a no-win situation. If you’re currently in this situation, how much time to you spend thinking about the other person, wondering what they’re doing with their spouse or significant other? How often do you build a story, then start reacting to it, sending yourself into a tizzy? Perhaps you are tired of torturing yourself, but you can’t stop and you can’t let go. This scenario also provides fantastic evidence that you don’t deserve a happy relationship (which isn’t true, but you believe it’s true). Dating someone who is in another relationship means you are emotionally unavailable. It’s not about the other person, it’s about YOU, so you have to deal with the feelings that landed you here. It's not simply about ending the relationship because it’s important to understand why you’ve chosen it, and what you’re getting from it, otherwise you’ll just jump into another one. The relationship is a symbol for how much value you believe you have. Thinking the person you’re dating will suddenly wake up and become available is a disappointment you’re setting yourself up for. Even if they leave their partner for you, your relationship will be based in attachment and emotionally unavailability. The first step to letting go is to stop resisting where you are. Nothing will change until you decide to stop fighting. Focus on yourself and look at the feelings you’re avoiding. Remember—it’s about you and where YOU are emotionally unavailable. Acknowledging that will put you a step closer to understanding how you got here, and how you can let go.