I’m Not OK Unless You Think I’m OK

Do you have trouble accepting when someone is upset with you or mad at something you’ve done? Maybe you try to get back into their good graces or go the opposite way and get pissed. Either way, a sinking feeling usually accompanies it. The knots in your stomach tighten because you think there is something wrong with you—otherwise they wouldn’t be upset. Instead of communicating, you look at all the ways they aren’t a good person. You make them the problem rather than focusing on yourself or addressing the issue. It’s a means of avoiding and it can happen in romantic relationships, with friends, colleagues, etc. You need this person’s validation, so when you don’t get it, you’re not ok. Your value is in their hands. When your self-worth relies on the opinions of others, everything they say matters. It becomes your own opinion of yourself. Because you live and die by what they think of you, you overreact and freak out when things go south. Believing you’ve screwed everything up, you’re afraid they’ll think you’re a horrible person and you’ll lose them. But self-acceptance doesn’t come from the outside. In order to feel good about yourself, you have to find your own power, separate from other people. No one can ever make you feel valued if you don’t value yourself. Any small boost you may receive externally is only temporary. The next time someone gets mad at you, resulting in that ubiquitous pit in your stomach, connect with the feeling and find compassion for yourself. Realize this is based on old stories around believing you’re not good enough. It’s not real. Giving other people power over your value is a losing proposition.